If for some reason you haven’t, it probably means that you are immune to CFVD (College Football Viewing Disease). Should that be the case, I congratulate you… for you officially have 13 more free Saturdays throughout the year than those that suffer from the affliction.
CFVD is a common ailment that typically strikes within the late summer and fall months, but it can persist through winter in extreme cases. It is especially prevalent in the Southeast. As of this writing, there is no known cure.
Signs and symptoms of CFVD vary from person to person, and can include, but are not limited to: weight gain (snacks and drinks), increased cholesterol levels (snacks and drinks), inadvertent sleeping (halftime naps), sleep deprivation (West Coast games), itchy, watery eyes (prolonged visual stimulation), rash/bed sores (prolonged couch-sitting), grouchy spouse (stemming from largely ignored house chores, such as grass-cutting, trash takeout, general home maintenance, etc.), a marked increase in chicken wing consumption, increased heart rate/blood pressure (if your team scores, or if your team doesn’t score), and extreme emotional fluctuations (irritated/frustrated to overjoyed/exuberant, or vice versa, during the process of one play).
If these symptoms sound familiar, it is important to identify whether you, or a loved one, has been infected. Please answer the following questions honestly:
- Is watching all or a portion of College Gameday part of your Saturday schedule?
- Are you familiar with the term, “MACtion?”
- Do you know how to spell the word “Go” in Louisiana?
- Do you check the TV schedule to see who is playing College Football on Thursday and Friday nights?
- Have you memorized Alabama/Auburn/Your Favorite Team’s 2018 Schedule?
- Do you know what color Boise State’s field is?
- Have you ever set up two or more TV’s in one room for maximum viewing?
- Can you name the four primary hosts on College Gameday?
- Do you know what color Eastern Washington’s field is?
- Do you commonly go to sleep watching the late-night PAC-12 game?
1-3 Affirmatives: CFVD has not completely set in. There is still time to avoid altogether. Spend time with friends and family who do NOT watch football, and enjoy 13 extra Saturdays in your year.
4-6 Affirmatives: CFVD is probable. Embrace it, and go all out, or seek medical advice. Do or do not… there is no try.
7-10 Affirmatives: CFVD is full blown. Invest in Pepto-Bismol, Neosporin, chicken wing restaurants, a lawn care service, and some quality eye drops.
I tweet insignificant things @ozborn34.
Derek Osborn is the Executive Director of PRIDE of Tuscaloosa by trade and a writer by hobby. He lives in Tuscaloosa with his wife, Lynn, and their daughters, Savannah and Anica.